What a Beautiful Morning!

Oh my goodness!  What a beautiful morning you have created for me to walk in today!  A little chilly but the sunshine is glorious!

I'm glad you like it.

I can't help but worry a little though.

You always do that!

What?

Worry!  Can't you just enjoy my gift to you?

I try.  Honest I do.  But it's Sunday!

And?

I'm supposed to be in church.

Really?

Yes.... but it's complicated.  I live so far from my old church.  And I'm trying to make connections with the people I am already close to, you know.. the ones I live with or near or am related to?

So you are alone walking in my beautiful morning worrying about being in church?

Yes.  Well, I do have the dogs to walk with.

So.. then, you are taking care of a responsibility WHILE you are enjoying my gift and talking with me?

Yes.  But it's been a while since I've gone to church and I miss it.

But not enough to go?

Not exactly.... it's more like deciding where.  I have multiple choices within an hour's driving time.  And I work that far away so much.  I like being home when I can.

You have choices closer to home, surely.

Yes, I think so - but not the religion I was raised in.  That I am familiar with.

So?

Okay - I hear you.  I don't care about that so much in the grand scheme of things.  But I don't know anyone I feel close to who attends anywhere closer.  And I think it's about community, right?

Okay - I see you are conflicted.  But if I understand correctly... you are wanting to feel community with someone before you gather to worship me.  

Yes.  But I can't help feeling that the answer will come to me eventually if I am patient.

And faithful?

Yes.

Well... aren't you doing that?

What?

Being patient and faithful.  Well, faithful anyway.  You are enjoying my beautiful gift and talking with me.  AND worrying about worshiping me correctly.  

Okay - now I sound silly.

Yes, sometimes.  But I love you.  And I appreciate your concern.  AND your fathfulness.  Now one more thing...

Yes?

Stop worrying.  And be patient.  And keep talking to me.  I have this.

Don't Let Them Steal Your Joy

God?

I am SO ANGRY!

This evening I was thanked for a compliment I gave.... and the conversation twisted around to a critique of how I parent my children.

Which is bugging me.

Why is that bugging you?  You think hard about what you do... and you make choices about it.

True...

Is the criticism valid?

I don't think so - not completely.  I mean it is something I struggle with.
Enabling.
You know that.

The line between enabling and helping.

Right.  You DO struggle with it.

But again, is the criticism valid?

I still don't think so.  I mean... in my head.. enabling prevents a child from standing on their own two feet.  Like welfare.  Handing out so much that a kid can't stand on their own.

Do you do that?

No. But I won't let them starve.  Or be stranded by the side of the road.  Isn't that what family means?  That you have somewhere to go when you don't know where else to turn?

Sounds like you made your choice.

So why exactly are you angry?

I think because the criticism came from someone who has benefited greatly from my parenting style.  From someone who has evidently forgotten what it was like when they were young.

Yeah, that's pretty common.  Humans do like to work their way out of a situation and forget what was behind them.

God?

Yes?

Don't let me forget, okay?  I don't want to forget.  I also remember what it was like to feel so certain about things.  Like parenting.

If you don't want to forget, you won't.  

But do something for me.

What?

Don't let someone else's journey screw up yours.  You made your choice.  You are satisfied with your reasons.  That's enough.

Don't let them steal your joy.

Okay. 

Thanks, God.

By Myself

Woo-hoo!!  I am so excited!  Look at what I did!

I know... it's great!

I am the best!  I am the coolest!  And I did it myself!

You ARE the best.... AND the coolest, for sure!

And I did it myself!

And you did a lot of it

Wait just a minute..... NO ONE was around to help me!  NO ONE came forward at all!  This is MY accomplishment!

You had no help at all?

Are you saying I didn't do it myself?

No, but I do think you might reconsider the thought that no one helped you....

Who was there, then?  Besides you, of course....

Of course.

Well?  Okay then.. I appreciate your help - but you already know that.  I'm just feeling quite accomplished right now.

I know you are grateful to me.  You do tell me all the time.  I appreciate that about you.

So what then?  Who else helped me?

Well, let me ask you.... do you live alone?

What kind of question is that?  You know I don't live alone.  I live with a husband, two sons and a bunch of 4-legged creatures.  But they didn't help me.

Do you have any friends?

Of course I have friends.... both close friends and acquaintances.  But they didn't help with this either.  What are you getting at?

Do you have any close communities of people?

A few.... different groups that I am a member of.... but I am telling you... NO ONE came forward to help.

So here is the thing... what DO these people do for you?

For me?  Well, they accept me - many of them.. and some of them love me...  I guess several are appreciative of me and the things I do.  BUT NO ONE helped me.

Did anybody have to move their needs over so you could do this thing?

What do you mean?

Well, like your husband... you have certain things you do for him.... did you skip some of those so you could do your thing?  

Well... yes, twice I asked him to just get leftovers so I could work on this project.,.. but that is no biggie.  He doesn't mind.

And, if I remember correctly, he offered to fix you something too, didn't he?

Okay - but I didn't want what he offered... does that count?

And your kids.... didn't they do a little extra too... so you could work on this project?

Just a few errands - but they're supposed to help!

I know.  What about your friends?  Did you tell anyone about this project?

A few of them....

And were they supportive of your work?

Yes, of course they were... but I still did it by myself!  Are you saying I didn't?

I don't think I said that.

What are you saying?  That I don't deserve the credit?

I didn't say that either.

But I'm not all by myself then.... is that it?  So I did it myself.... but the real question is: would I have been ABLE to do it by myself without these people that are around me NOT DOING my project?

Exactly.

So now I'm ungrateful?  That's weird.

Is it?

No, not really.  I DO deserve the credit.... but I DO need to remember that YOU connected all of us.  Without YOU and without each other, none of us can accomplish anything.... is that it?

**smile**

You know, God, sometimes talking to you is hard.

You know, Katy, sometimes talking to you is hard too.

Just don't stop, okay?

Back at you.

Thank you, God....

My word, the sun has been shining so beautifully the last few days... thank you, God....

I'm glad you noticed

It feels like you've done it just for me.  I was pretty upset the other day.

Of course you were.  Disappointments are hard

Just fear, God...  I get scared sometimes about how we are going to make it.

I know

But I appreciate that you always manage to help me figure things out.  AND that you send me little signs that help me know things will be okay

It helps that you talk to me... and even more when you LISTEN

I have to admit it feels dumb sometimes


Of course.  That's where faith comes in.  

Thanks for helping me see that your hand is everywhere.... that there are really no coincidences...

What do YOU call it when things happen mysteriously?

Not coincidences, certainly.... you are clearly mixing and stirring and helping things to happen....  I think I call them

Yes??

Miracles.   Yes, God.... your miracles.. are everywhere in my life.   And I thank you.

You are welcome.... you know..  you are my precious child.... and I want the best for you. 

I believe it, God... and I appreciate your loving me through my fears.  I will try to listen and keep my feet on the path you set.

That's all I ask.

God, I'm scared..

Okay - so you know about this really bad thing that happened to us last week, right?

Of course I do.

And you know that we were really shocked and we are now in a lot of trouble?

Yes.

And you know that even though I keep saying.... 'things could be so much worse' .. and 'many people are much worse off than we are'... well, between you and me - you know the TRUTH... I don't really mean it.

I know who you are.

I mean - it's true...... many people are SO much worse off than we are.  We still have a roof over our heads and no one here is hungry.

I know

But you know what?

What?

I'm still scared
I'm still mad
I'm still not sure what to do next

Wellll..... I know you are mad and I know you are scared..... and I know you feel that you shouldn't feel that way.

That's right.... I shouldn't

But feelings are feelings - you can't help those.  And feelings get harder.

What do you mean?

Well... it's like anything else you do....  it's new the first time.  You don't even have time to BE scared half the time.   But the next time, you know what's coming.  And it gets harder.

I totally get THAT!  This is really scary.... and I really don't know what to do next.

Now this is where I take issue with what you say.

What?


You absolutely know what to do next.

WHAT???

I talk.  You listen.  And you know.

uhhhh... the only thing I have on my agenda is laundry and dinner... and I think I have my grandbaby next weekend.


There you go.

WHAT???

Do you trust me?

Of COURSE I do.

Then do it.

Do what?

What you said....

Laundry??

..and dinner.. and playing with your grandchild.

Really?

Katy, my dear.. that is all I ever asked you to do.  Whatever life brings... you have people who need to eat... who need clean clothes.. who need YOU and the love and life you bring to them.

Oh come on.... I need to be able to FIX this!

You can't.  This is where I come in.  YOU take care of your people....  Let ME take care of the details.

I'm supposed to TRUST you now?

Now more than ever.. just go for it.... just trust me and see what happens...

Okay...  does that mean I get some sleep now?


Hmmm..... if you can really let go and trust... yes....

I'll try.... but God?

Yes?

Will you still be there tonight if I can't sleep?

Of course... aren't I always?

Yes, I know, you really are... but I'm scared.

Scared is okay.... but I love you..... so go to sleep.

Okay..... but I'll be talking to you later.

I count on it :-)

STOP CALLING ME!

Hey God!  Can you PUH-Lease STOP calling me?  I'm really getting tired of all this work you are asking me to do!

Me?  You sound stressed.

Wellll...... yes, I am.

Why are you stressed?

You're kidding, right?  You called me to do this... and you called me to do that.... and then my husband got sick... and the car got a flat... and I still had to do this thing you asked me to do.

Are you SURE I asked you to do all of that?

OF COURSE!  Why else would I have moved heaven and earth to get that done with so much at home to take care of?

Well, honestly, I don't know.

Well, who else was going to do it?  No one else can do it as well as I can.  That's why you asked me, right?

Hmmmmmm... I agree about taking care of your husband.

But what about the other stuff I had to handle?  I'm the only one who knows how to do it right.

Really?  You really think that?

I know that.  I'm the ONLY one who EVER takes care of those things.

This doesn't sound right to me.  Didn't you read the part about 'my yoke being light'?

Of course I read it.. but I didn't get it.  There's too much to do!  I'm too upset about everything.

Can you tell me WHY you think you are the only one who could handle the stuff you are talking about?

BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME!

Do you think that just because you have ALWAYS handled it, that I mean for you to ALWAYS handle it?

What else am I supposed to do?  No one else will do it.

Did you ask?

Why should I?  They are supposed to volunteer to help.

Do they know you NEED help?

Why shouldn't they know that already?  I do so much.

That doesn't sound fair.

It's NOT!  That's what I am telling you.  I can't handle it.

I am always fair.  I know you.  You can always handle what I ask of you.

Then what is wrong?  Do you think I WANT to do everything?

Mmmmmm.....

Really?  How could that be?

Who sets the standards for the jobs you are doing that you say you don't want to do?

I don't know.... it's the way it's done - well, the way I do it... so I guess..... I must set the standards.

Which maybe MIGHT be why no one does it better...... or why no one thinks you need help?

Maybe.  But it would be prideful to think I do it best.  I don't think I am prideful.  I work hard for you.

You do.

I wish others worked as hard for you as I do.

So do I.  I wish SOMEone would give others a chance to do just that.

Huh...

well... what if it gets done wrong?

Well... what if it does?  What if..... it doesn't get done at all?

If I am hearing you right, you are saying that I am prideful.  That I think I do everything the best.  That some of this stuff I am handling.... you DIDN'T ask me to do?  You might not even want it done?

Are you stressed and conflicted?

YES!!

Then this is easy.  It's not from me.  I don't cause you stress.

Wow....  You mean all this running around is NOT for you?  Well, that is just a bit crazy then.  I need to think about this. 

No you don't.  You know your priorities.  Focus on those and hand off the other stuff that is worrying you so much.  If no one picks it up.... maybe it doesn't need to be done.

Huh...  I guess I'm not as important as I thought.

Ohhhh..... you are wrong there.  You are very important.  As a matter of fact, you are a critical part of my plan.  That is why I take such good care of you.  When you let me, that is.

So I guess I can turn this over to you now?

Now you are getting the idea.

Okay God, I am officially scaling back and letting you handle things.  But do me a favor?

What?

When there is something you REALLY want me to do... will you make sure I know what it is?

I always do.  Now go to sleep and let me do my job.

Okay God.  thanks.  It always helps when I talk to you.

You know, I sit here all day waiting to hear you say that.  Now go to sleep and talk to me sooner tomorrow!

God, it's me again...

Sometimes I wish the voices in my head would just STOP!

You need another challenge... you need to simplify your life.... you need to ask for help.... you need to stop imposing.... you need to lose weight.... you need to stop worrying about weight.... you need to help your kids.... you need to let your kids stand on their own....   yikes!  I feel like a battleground!

I am one of those voices, aren't I?

You bet!  But it's killing me... I can't figure out which one is YOU half the time!  I know that you have an opinion on every one of these choices before me.... but I can't figure out what that opinion is!


You really want me to tell you what to do?

Yes... why can't you just point the way with neon lights or something?  Like... YES to the lose weight... but NO to the worrying about it.. just eat sensibly and exercise and I'll take care of the rest..... or YES, ask for help but watch and be careful about imposing too much...

So far so good.... it doesn't sound like you need me yet...

Oh yes I do.... "just" eat sensibly?  If it was that simple, there would be no fat people on the planet!

"Be careful about imposing" would be simple too if people (your children, by the way) would tell the truth.  They lie... with all good intentions, they suck it up and keep doing for you until they get resentful and angry for being abused.  And then the original person who asked the favor... is left standing there feeling horrible because they took advantage and didn't know it was happening!

I admit, it sounds confusing...

Yes, but the thing is.. I KNOW you aren't confused.  I KNOW that you know how this is supposed to go.  Why can't you just TELL me so that I can make good decisions and not hurt people?

You are right.  I am not confused :-)  But I do love you and don't like to see you worry so much.

So... why exactly won't you help me?

I do help you.  I'm listening right now.

Ugghhhh.... I know that!  But won't you tell me what to do?

I don't need to.  You already know.

No, I don't.  I thought you said you were listening...

I AM!  You just gave me the answers.  The reason they don't work for you is that you are WORRIED about it!  You don't TRUST me.

What?

That's right.  The weight thing would sort out IF you would just trust me.  Eat good food when you are hungry and move that body of yours instead of sitting so much.  VERY simple.  The weight issue won't straighten out WHEN you STRESS about it.   

The people thing.... people are messy.  My children are just like you... worry , worry, WORRY!  They want to help.  Then they get overwhelmed like you are right now.  It's just too bad when they get to a breaking point..... but you are right... it IS their responsibility.... but it is SAD when it breaks a relationship.  YOUR job is to KNOW this and keep the relationship anyway.  I LOVE you.... YOU love them.  Simple!

I DO trust you.

Then trust yourself.  I am with you.  I am helping you make these decisions.  Just trust me and show my love to others.  It will all sort out, I promise.

ummmm.... God?

What?

I still don't know what to do.

<sigh>  Go to sleep.... I've got this for tonight.   We'll talk again tomorrow.

God?

What???

Thanks for listening.  I know that compared to tsunamis and earthquakes and civil unrest... my problems are small.  I appreciate that you care about my little stuff.

You are my child.  Your problems are important to me.  Now PLEASE go to sleep.

'night, God.

Where Are You Leading Me?

Okay - so maybe I don't really want to know!  I did what you asked.  I went to see THOSE people.  I went in their house and it was incredibly uncomfortable!  I didn't know what to say..

So....

But I made conversation, I delivered what I needed to deliver.   but man, I'm glad it's over.  I don't want to do that again.

we'll see....

It was awful.  I was SO uncomfortable.  I didn't know what to say or how to act.

but I got you through it, didn't I?

Yes, but I don't want to do that again.  I was there less than TEN minutes and my clothes and my hair STINK!  The smoke haze was terrible.

true - addiction is no fun

but why me?  I quit over 20 years ago and it makes me crazy!

uhhhh.. you don't think you are over-reacting?

no way..... okay, maybe a little.  But I don't think they wanted me there... they just wanted what I had to deliver.

well.... maybe "I" wanted them to have you there.

okay - now that doesn't make sense to me.  What possible good did that do?

You don't HAVE to understand.  YOU have to trust me... just like THEY do.  It will go easier next time.

Next time?

Don't worry about it.... let's have a good evening....  we'll talk about this thing some more tomorrow.  You do trust me, don't you?

Of course, but...

No buts....

Okay.... I did promise.... where you ask me to go, I will go.  But it IS okay to talk to you about it, isn't it?  Maybe even whine a little?

Oh boy.... did you ever read about my child Moses?  Yes.... I LIKE it when you talk to me.... and I especially like it when you do what I ask anyway.  So let me hold you now.  It was a good day.

Thanks, God.  I'll try not to whine tomorrow.

Are You Out There, God?

God, I am really in a weird place right now.   I am busy.... so busy I can hardly hear myself think.  My head is a rolling list of things that need to be done... things to do right now, things I have put off doing that are becoming more important, things I want to do but can't figure out the time for... and talking to you is one of those things.

....hmmm...

I mean, I am sitting here thinking about how I need to talk to you... and I want to hear what you have to say.... oops, the dog is at the door... brb

Okay - I'm back.. sorry about that. The dog wanted out and I had to walk her.  It was COLD out there but the sun was rising so maybe it will warm up later.  Man, those birds were noisy this morning too!  Anyway... that's done - and I went ahead and got some breakfast and put the laundry on while I was at it.  Now..... <deep breath>    I'm back.

And I have to tell you.... I am really in a dry spell lately.  I don't understand why You aren't speaking to me.  I mean, I am so overwhelmed right now and I could sure use your voice!  Things are nuts!  That reminds me - I am behind on my Lenten readings.  I'd better go see what the assignment is..

I'll be back in a minute.

Sorry - got sidetracked.  I have 4 essays to write about your kingdom and I can't wrap my head around it.  I keep staring at the assignment and the words won't come!  I sure wish you would tell me what to write!  You are just so quiet right now... and I need answers!

....hmmm....

Phone ringing... brb...

That was a friend of mine... she said she was just thinking about me and wanted to check in and see how I am.  Nice, I know.... but I have things to do.

Man, my son is up and I need to go say good morning.  I have some errands to run too so it'll be a bit before I'll be back.... I'm listening though.... I'm ready to hear from you.  I wish you would speak up.  I know you are there!

...yes, I am here....

Okay - back - what a LONG day! I just don't get it... my mind is rolling around so much!  You know all the stuff that is on it!  The anger about that personal situation that I can't figure out what to do with... my friend who is going to have surgery next week... how we are going to get the taxes handled... well, you already know how confused and upset I am right now!  Why can't you just tell me what to do?  I know you are there.  Why are you ignoring me?  You could at least tell me how handle this stuff so I can be more useful to you!

Enough already!  Didn't you hear me when you saw that sunrise this morning?  I even had the birds put on a concert for you!   And what about that phone call from your friend?  You haven't heard from her in a long time and I prompted her to call you.  I thought it would make you feel better.   Your son woke up in a good mood.   The weather was good for your errand-running.  The jelly you've been looking for everywhere was right there on the shelf AND on sale!  I'm sorry the assignment about my Kingdom didn't grab hold of your attention but I've tried EVERYTHING today.

But what am I supposed to do?

You are supposed to trust me.

But I DO trust you.

Really?  Are you sure?  If that is true, then what is your problem?  Don't you think I have this under control?  RELAX!

Okay, God.  I'm sorry.  You are right again.  I am trying to take charge again, aren't I?  What is wrong with me?
 
No worries.  I made you.  I know exactly how you think.  It's okay.  Just keep talking to me.  Go to bed now and get some rest.  We'll try again tomorrow.

Messed Up Already

Oh my, I am such a SCHMUCK!

First day of Lent and messed up already...

I promised you I'd spend 30 whole minutes reading and reflecting... and the day is done and I didn't get there..


"Why didn't you get there?"

Well, I planned to get up early and give you that time... but the clock didn't go off early like I am SURE I set it for... and I had to get up and get the coffee going for my husband.  I started to read while he was in the shower.. but then he couldn't find his socks.. and I had to go find some.

By the time I get him out the door, the dog was whining to go out..

"I remember that....you told me you were worrying about rain... but I took care of it"

Yes, you sure did.. I remember asking you about it... well then, we got back home and I settled down again with my Bible... and my kids started waking up.. and the day began!  Breakfast and laundry and lunches to prepare... we had to leave in an hour.. so really quick, I went to my computer and downloaded the section of the Bible I wanted to read to my E-reader so I could take it with me.

"Good idea!"

...but I am such a SCHMUCK!  I never got back to the computer to get the reader... it stayed home.... but you know that already...

"Are you kidding?  You talked AT me about that for a good 10 minutes!"

that's right... probably a rant.. sorry about that... I told you, I am a SCHMUCK!  But anyway you are right, I fussed until I saw the accident..

"and.... you asked me to take care of the people involved.  I liked the bit about taking care of the rescue workers, too."

Oh yeah - well I do that a lot... but the day kept moving on.. just like that.  I had some errands to run..

"picking up supplies for your VBS meeting on Sunday.... you weren't planning on getting reimbursed for that, were you??"

No, of course not.... not this time, you already know that... it's part of my tithe.  And then there was my son's class to go to and the cleaning to be picked up.. but I had a plan.  I was gonna grab those 30 minutes just as soon as I got home.  Oh, I am such a SCHMUCK!

"So what happened?"

Well.... the cats tore up a plant and I had to clean that up... 3 messages on the phone I had to rescue for my husband and then I needed to forward those... putting away the groceries... and then my son wanted to tell me about his day.. so I sat and had a cup of tea with him.... by the time I got back to my 30 minutes... my husband got home from work...  I am such a SCHMUCK!

"So what I am hearing is that you couldn't give me 30 minutes because you were busy taking care of my children?"

No, MY children and my husband.... just normal everyday stuff.... you got pushed aside for normal everyday stuff.... I am such a SCHMUCK!

"I wish you would quit doing that"

Doing what?

"Calling yourself names.... you are my child and it hurts me when you call yourself names.  And, by the way, the people you take care of... are NOT your children.. they are mine.  I entrusted them to you and you are doing just fine with them.  Thank you for that."

For what?  Finding missing socks and cooking breakfast?  Come on, any normal person ought to be able to find 30 minutes to read their Bible and be with you.

"Get over it.... you are doing exactly what I need for you to do.  Do you realize how long THIS particular conversation has taken?  You have been talking TO me and AT me all day long.... MUCH longer than 30 minutes.  I LOVE that you want to give me some uninterrupted time... but you have done what I asked you to do today.  

Now be quiet and go to sleep.  Let me hold you and take care of you now.  You gave me your day.  Now let me help you get ready for the next one.  We'll try again tomorrow."